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The gathering was dangerous, given the large amount of unrestricted fire involved. It took place in a sticky year-old molasses factory, and the neighborhood of abandoned warehouses was also a bit edgy.

Each year I tried to remain practical, and paid attention for the bad guys while traveling to and especially from it. I carried a substantial lead pipe, glitter-coated in Mardi Gras colors by way of disguise, pocketed in my sleeve in case my quasi-hoodoo outfit did not deter an uninformed non-religious mugger. Like most ballers, I would use the event as an instrument to start thinking about the all-important Mardi Amazon facesitting videos outfit.

Costumes or nudity were required for the ball entry, and considering my current body, public nudity was not an option for everyone concerned.

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Then I remembered. My late neighbor, who was one of the greatest of the legendary New Orleans drag queens — his Loretta Young was exquisite — had gifted me at an earlier carnival with an amazing mask. A horned demon. I pulled the mask from its wall display, found a black velvet cape and further dark accoutrements.

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I was happy with the overall image: with my hair and beard sticking out top and bottom of tony duncan pornstar mask, I looked pretty damned demented, which was the desired effect. I needed a container to transport good bourbon. There are never many top shelf liquors at the ball because nobody can tell the taste any difference after 10 or so gra, so people bring their own favorites.

I needed a vessel and could find none. I even considered naked empty hot sauce bottle, but decided against it, figuring that if I fell over, as occasionally happens, I might be impaled upon the former cayenne container.

I decided to use a resealable quart-size Gladbag for my Kentucky bourbon. Even though it looked rather like a urine specimen, the plastic envelope worked, and sealed well. Rather than walk I decided to ride my bike the 20 or so blocks to the ball, and hopefully back women home. There was some sort of logic roiling about in my head that involved me escaping harm by hurtling down streets in a cape and mask, balanced on two mardi. I tucked it into the inside pocket of my cape, kissed my dozing partner goodbye, hopped on my bike, and headed off to the ball.

Four blocks away from the entrance there was a pack of a dozen grizzly-looking, fully costumed and snarling werewolves — it was indeed the night before the full moon — picking up the ancient VW bus they had arrived in, and carrying it sideways into a spot too small for parallel parking.

They grunted and puffed as they did their job, and all howled in unison once the vehicle was in place.

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It was frighteningly eerie and incredibly funny at the same time. After chaining my bike to a light pole and putting the keys in my sock, I stood outside the gate, pulled out my diminished supply of Turkey and poured a few ounces down my throat. As I was doing this, the Grand Mistress of Decadence, who is also the underground real estate agent who finally found a house for me, walked out to survey the line of newcomers and spotted me.

Three important areas of her body were spangled nicely in minute silver stars.

My night in naked New Orleans: the Mardi Gras party I'll never forget | US news | The Guardian

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